Catharsis
by AshWininger
Summary: The day is finally here, and he knows he will lose her, despite his best efforts. Post-Eclipse oneshot. Jacob POV. Rated M for language.


_A/N: All lyrics are taken from the song "Idiot" by Deaf Pedestrians. I'm still new at this, so reviews would be much-appreciated. Sorry the formatting sucks, still trying to figure out _

**If I cut my heart out of my chest****/****Would you put it with all the rest?**

**Just wipe the knife and thank me kindly****/****Cause I want you so blindly**

_Worst fucking day ever._

The day is here, she's about to become Mrs. Cullen, and he's never felt so defeated.

_Not your fault, not your fault, you did everything you possibly could. _That is his mantra, and he finds himself repeating this constantly from the minute he drags out of bed.

At this very moment, Alice is probably helping her put on a dress that Bella probably had no interest in picking, she's probably decked out in ribbons and lace, and he thinks he probably wouldn't recognize the Bella who's about to walk down the aisle.

He knows she's probably nervous as hell, but really he has no sympathy for her. If he's being honest with himself, he's downright angry.

Sure, he loved her (**loves **her**—still **does…it could never be past tense, despite his best efforts), but she's getting what she wanted so he doesn't give a fuck about her pre-wedding jitters and anxiety about being the center of attention.

It was cute before, but now she's ripped his heart out and he can't bring himself to care. He begged. Pleaded. Cried, even. It was downright embarrassing but it didn't seem to matter as long as he had the hope she would change her mind.

And nothing worked, nothing was good enough for her and now he can't even manage to string a few sentences together for Billy, who seems to think a suicide watch is completely necessary for his son today. _Ridiculous. I couldn't off myself if I even tried, stupid pack, stupid Alpha orders. _

**I wish that I could say that I don't care****/****You're broken past the point I can repair****  
><strong>**I'm running out of reasons I've made up****/****For me to stick around****  
><strong>

She's probably walking down the aisle by now.

God, she's probably so beautiful that it would hurt to look at her. He's glad he spared himself the torture of going to that freak show of a wedding.

To see her walk down the aisle to that angsty leech when it should be her walking down the aisle towards **him**.

The thought is so painful that he wants to punch his hand through one of the windows of the Rabbit. But he knows somehow it's not even worth the effort.

He sits and gazes around the garage, where he has been holed up since morning to avoid Billy's overly concerned glances.

Even the goddamned garage reminds him of her.

_I did everything I could. Not my fault. Not my fault. _

**I'm thinking my head might explode/ just waiting here upon the shelf**

**And you can't love me back if you're too busy trying to kill yourself**

He's honestly surprised he hasn't completely had a nervous breakdown, this date has been looming for so long.

And now it's here, and frankly, he doesn't know what he will do with his time.

He's put all his energy into Bella and now all he sees ahead is void. And then he feels stupid, because who wraps their whole life around a girl to the point where they have nothing left?

He's as codependent as Bella is for her Leech and goddamn it if the rain doesn't start pouring outside. _Yes, God, let's just make this a little more cliché. Why am I such a chick?_

He resolves that after today, after this is all over, he will start over, but he will allow himself revel in the pain for the remainder of the day, because hey, might as well mope thoroughly.

**I'm taking my heart back /with all its holes and scars all over it**

**And then I'll probably give it back to you****/****Cause I'm an idiot**

What Jacob needs is a grand gesture, a catharsis.

If he had some letters or pictures of her, he'd rip them up or burn them; that'd feel real good, but he doesn't even have that.

_It was all give, give, give. I gave you everything. I did everything I could. And you still chose him. You chose death. Not life. You chose a frozen eternity. You'll walk away from Charlie. From Renee. From me. From the life we would have had. The children we would have had. Like it's absolutely nothing. You'll walk away like it didn't even pain you at all. _

He's so damn angry he could scream, and suddenly he is hurling everything within reach at the wall. He's mad, he's crying, and somewhere along the way, he sinks to the dirt floor.

He doesn't even want to move. He's resolved himself to sleep on the damn ground tonight. Getting up, putting himself in bed, seems like the most exhausting thing in the world at this moment, and he'll deal with picking up with pieces of himself in the morning.

The rain is actually soothing and he allows himself this brief moment of peace before he drifts into a troubled sleep.

**And when you finally fall and touch the ground/You'll just pretend I'm not around**

**Until I kiss your lips so sadly/Cause I want you so badly**

**I wish that I could say that I don't care/You're broken past the point I can repair**

He hears a voice, faint at first but then steadily louder. He feels soft hands on him.

_Jacob? Jake?_ _Are you okay?_

It's her.

And then it's all tearful apologies and _I couldn't go through with it and it's always been you. _

He hears her words but can't seem to focus. He thinks he is dreaming but he's not really sure and she's kneeling on the dirt floor beside him, because he still has never managed to pick himself him up.

She's completely soaked from the rain and still wearing that stupid dress and its mud spattered but she's here and she's breathing and it's all he can think of.

He clutches at her like she's the last thing in the world and their mouths and limbs intertwine.

Effortlessly.

He's never been so desperate. _At least she had the sense to take off that ridiculous veil_.

He knows he shouldn't take her back, and should really let her know how angry he is, and how she can't just fix everything and expect it to be ok.

But it's Bells and she's here and she's kissing him and suddenly it doesn't matter.

He is grateful that, better late than never; she is **his** and the Leech can go to hell.

_Best fucking day ever. _


End file.
